Ice Princess

Recent years have seen an explosion of celebrity reality shows on German television -- the kind in which semi-prominent personalities, often running the range from has-beens to still-wanna-bees, humiliate themselves in public to the delight of their TV viewers.

Network executives love these shows because the ratings are usually very good and because eager TV viewers actually cough up their hard-earned cash to cast votes for their favorites in what are often no more than thinly disguised venues for network self-promotion. Why would anybody subject themselves to eating worms or swimming in dirt as part of a jungle show is more difficult to explain -- especially without the assistance of a Freudian couch and a trained psychoanalyst.

German television, however, is lucky to have recognized the numerous talents of the still truly glamurous former ice skating champion Katarina Witt. After being a popular guest on GDR nostalgia shows -- in which she never had to talk seriously about the privileged life of athletes in communist Eastern Germany, but could focus instead on the more delightful topics of bad fashion and pickled vegetables -- Kati Witt made a real splash as a goody two-shoes jury member on the wildly popular "Let's Dance" competition last spring.

Nobody can encourage the contestants as warmly as she does. And encouragement is what these poor, insecure celebrities need the most. Although too much encouragement can sometimes be quite dangerous.

Fame's darker side

Take former politician, now head of the German UNICEF, Heide Simonis, for instance. She is the woman whose election debacle in the state of Sechleswig-Holstein in March 2005 signaled the beginning of the end for then-Chancellor Gerhard Schröder. She is also the woman whose stiff posture and absolute lack of any sense of humor made her an instant success with the viewers of "Let's Dance" one year later.

Simonis kept getting enough TV votes round after round despite her horrendous performance, until the press went over the top with their catty remarks and Simonis had to be admitted to a hospital on account of, as she said, "bodily exhaustion and media pressure." She never came back to the show after the incident.

These days, Katarina Witt, with her arresting smile and natural, easy-going attitude -- is busy moderating "Stars on Ice" -- a show in which lesser known television personalities compete with one another in skating along the thin line which separates masochism from artistic beauty.

Unfortunately, Witt's co-host Steffan Göddel would probably not get the highest marks in the school of spontaneity. In his previous TV incarnation, this perennially grinning Ken-look-alike moderated a late-night business entertainment show called "Bizz." It was best known for a segment called "Bottomless Pit" in which Göddel would materialize out of nowhere in front of alleged fraudsters, verbally abuse them and award them ironic prizes for cheating their customers.

It is always interesting to see private television companies taking over the role once reserved for communist intelligence agencies -- establishing total surveillance and eagerly turning TV viewers into proud informers.

Attack on Kati

The true media scandal, however, lies in the fact that Katarina Witt has unwanted competition. A rival German TV channel had bought the rights of the British show "Dancing on Ice" and started airing it before "Stars on Ice" even though it was originally planned for a later date.

To make things worse, "Dancing on Ice" is hosted by the baby-faced winner of "Let's Dance" -- actor Wayne Carpendale, best known for being the son a seventies entertainer Howard Carpendale and boyfriend of soap actress and pop singer Yvonne Catterfeld.

Now, ever since the diabolical Tonya Harding and her band of henchmen plotted to cripple the beautiful and talented Nancy Kerrigan, the world hasn't witnessed a similar stab in the back in the fantasy kingdom of ice-skating. Kati Witt gave best marks to Wayne Carpendale in the dancing show. And this is how he repays her?

Luckily for Kati, she doesn't have much to worry about. Almost 4 million Germans watched the show on Wednesday reaching a 13.7 percent market share in the relevant target group. And that was 2.4 percent viewers more than in the previous week.

With Germany's infinite supply of B-list celebrities who are ready to fall on their attention-hungry derrieres wearing tight leggings and flashy outfits that unmistakably evoke eastern European discotheques in the eighties, Kati simply can't go wrong anymore.