Germany Faces French Fries Fiasco

It's tough to decide where one should begin when pointing out problems with freedom fries, which US lawmakers put on the Capitol cafeteria's menu in 2003 to show France that they wholeheartedly disapproved of Parisian opposition to a war in Iraq.

First off, the Belgians actually lay claim to inventing every child's favorite vegetable at some point during the 17th century. Secondly, even in English the "french" in "french fries" refers to the act of cutting produce into thin, lengthwise strips and not to those outrageously stubborn people on the other side of the Atlantic.

Be that as it may, the inventors of freedom fries probably still feel that they did their country a great service. In Germany, this particular issue never came up as a large majority of the country actually did feel like France when it came to Iraq and -- more importantly -- french fries are generally known as pommes frites (pronounce: pom freet). It means "fried apples" in French -- obviously both the French and the Germans would rather stuff their mouths with a handful of fries than the correct pommes de terre frites, or fried earth apples (potatoes). Calling the things chips like the British might have been the best option after all.

Troubled Teutonic tubers

Why are we telling you all this? Because we can. But what's much more important today is the fact that Germans are bracing themselves for a major disaster when it comes to those golden potato sticks: Farmers' representatives recently announced that Germany's fabulous summer did horrible things to Teutonic tubers. There's less of them -- about 20 percent are missing -- and the ones that did survive the heat are quite a bit smaller than those from previous years.

"Particularly large tubers like the ones needed for pommes frites are in short supply this year," officials for the German Farmers' Association told a shocked German public, adding that potatoes that weren't born to become fries are already posturing as such.

Will faux fries solve the problem?

We can only imagine what will happen: Millions of German kids enter a hunger strike in protest against meager fries, nipping the country's budding obesity problem -- well -- in the bud. Come to think of it -- the whole spud shortage might have been organized by the country's health care officials in the first place.

Clever parents of course will be able to avoid serious declarations of war such as "I hate you and will never speak to you again" by tricking their kids with -- albeit inferior -- extra long fries made out of mashed potatoes.

If the young ones notice the difference, they're probably enough of a connoisseur to settle for something a bit more stylish. Gratin aux pommes de terre or beignets de pommes de terres, anyone?