Doretta Dethroned: The First Goose is Loose

While visiting a farm in the German town of Lenzen back in 2000, former Chancellor Schröder noticed a goose he thought would look pretty nice on his Christmas table. The farm owners were more than happy to accommodate the wishes of their elected leader. Doretta, the goose, received a special ribbon as a mark of distinction among her fellow birds. She went on cluelessly stuffing herself with whatever food came her way -- not knowing, of course, that she was getting her pre-Christmas makeover in order to keep the chancellor's tummy full during the holidays.

When Schröder, however, went home and told his family about his day, all hell broke loose. An emergency meeting was convened at the family command room. Due to the sensitivity of the topics discussed, the meeting was closed to the public. But from the information that was leaked to the media, we know that Schröder's stepdaughter Klara flatly rejected the chancellor's report on the goose deal and refused to play any role on the goose slaughtering consortium. Doretta had to be saved.

When your stepdad is ruling the country, you don't take "I can't do anything about it" for an answer. Instead, you say "Give me a break, daddy. You're the chancellor. Just make it happen."

So he did. Doretta, who incidentally turned out to be a gander, but kept proudly using her artistic drag name, was pardoned by the chancellor. The chancellor's office sent a yearly appanage for the upkeep of the first First Goose in German history. Doretta remained on the farm where she was born, and received just about enough media attention to drive all the other geese mad with jealousy.

Goosy Goosy Gander, where dost thou wander?

Life was pretty good for Doretta until Schröder lost the German elections in Sept. 2005. After a prolonged and, at times, embarrassing tug-of-war with his conservative rival Angela Merkel, Schröder conceded, and Merkel became the first female chancellor in German history. All of a sudden, Doretta was in trouble.

The parliamentary office of the former chancellor stated that the payments for Doretta's upkeep "were limited to (Schröder's) chancellorship and would not be continued."

Angela Merkel's spokesperson said that Doretta was a "topic that Frau Merkel will not be concerned with."

When asked by TV reporters if she would take over the responsibility of caring for the First Goose, Angela Merkel herself said she believed Doretta was "in good hands."

What these statements amount to -- once you remove the obfuscating layer of diplomatic lingo -- is that everybody was bailing out on poor old Doretta.

A celebrity for life

Doretta was, however, meant for more than 15 minutes of fame. After being described by some analysts as the Paris Hilton of German geese, Doretta is now giving up a life of mindless glamour to get a full-time job with the Berlin association "Life with Animals." The organization is a proponent of animal-assisted therapy: It helps people in need improve their physical, social, emotional and cognitive functions by interacting with animals.

In other words, no more wild goose chases for this silly old goose.

Doretta will go down in history as a controversial, gender-bending First Goose, who doesn't just live off of its past glory. She may not know how to play "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" on the xylophone -- the way trained chickens do at the fame academy for pets in the German town of Wittlich -- but she may actually end up making a difference in somebody's life by remaining true to herself: down-to-earth, awkward and funny.

Not a small achievement for a goose that at one point almost got eaten into obscurity.